Now I don’t.....well, that’s not quite true. I can no longer do all the things I used to. I can still read, watch movies, play around on my laptop. Or listen to music or audio books when I feel too nauseous and sick to even use my eyes or my muscles are playing up so badly I can only lie dead flat on my back in bed.
There is always someone worse off I tell myself at these times. I think of the profoundly disabled man in ‘The Diving Bell and the Butterfly’ or think of people who are experiencing other types of trauma like terminal illness, war, starvation, oppression, abuse, the devastation of natural disasters...........
So, what then? Acceptance plays a big part. And time for grieving for what’s lost. Sometimes there is no escaping the reality of what is. I find myself coming back again and again to the Serenity Prayer. ‘Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference’. The wisdom to know the difference....hmmmm. Such complexities to sort through and layers to peel away in the process! Difficult but worthwhile work.
So once I decide what I can change and realise what I do actually still have control over, I feel like I have turned a corner. Courage and practice is what I need to exercise then, over and over and over again and although that requires a lot of discipline, I know that the only way is through.
That doesn’t mean I don’t have bad times - emotionally, psychologically, spiritually. I do. Just this past week I have been struggling hard. I spiraled back into grief and depression and a feeling of powerlessness, watching the world go by doing all the things I want to do but cannot, at least not easily or spontaneously.
But I have come out the other side. Again. I always do, and I hold onto that when times are tough for me. At the end of the day I always have a choice, even if all I have left to choose from in that moment is my thoughts. So, I choose, and I choose life - my life, warts and all because it’s mine and it’s all I’ve got.
And I will find new ways to give my life purpose and meaning, I know I will.