With each further deterioration of my health I try to remind myself that I can only do what I can do and must surrender to the rest. I have no other choice. Except to fight it, rail against it and make myself even more miserable in the process. And sometimes I do just that. Negative feelings need their expression too.
Surrender is not the same as giving up. I have been close to giving up many times. All hope of anything ever being any different, gone. My world becomes black, dark and lonely. There is grief, anger, resentment and deep sadness. And I feel like I will inhabit this space for eternity.
Eventually, the sadness softens and I allow myself to fall into it. It cocoons me and I become comfortable there. A little seed of hope begins to make itself felt deep in my heart. It wants to grow and emerge into the light.
What must I do?
Surrender to what is. Relax and allow myself to crack open until the gap is wide enough for the light to work its way in and begin to grow that seed of hope in my heart that has been washed with my tears.
In reality my situation is no different but this growing tendril of hope will help me find my way back to life. And promises that with each new level of acceptance, peace and joy can be mine again.
With surrender, hope remains.